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Height of Eye has moved – no improvement in accuracy, however

The accuracy-flexible blog, Height of Eye, has moved to new digs at timqueeney.com. Height of Eye will continue to scour the globe for the latest in entertaining and informative news and information that informs and entertains. Perhaps most refreshing, Height of Eye performs this vital function without the timid constraints of accuracy or truth. So while you are enjoying Height of Eye, you can rest assured that you won’t be tied down by the fetters of convention. Even better, Height of Eye contains no cholesterol or high fructose corn syrup and there are no hidden fees or oaths of fealty to feudal lords requiring a quarter of your barley harvest or three months of military service per annum!

Scientists rescue Voyager 2 before probe can quit Facebook

The Voyager 2 space probe, launched in 1977, is now 8.6 billion miles from Earth. Until three weeks ago, V2 was still sending useful data back to Earth. But then the probe’s transmissions became garbled. V2’s managers determined that the probe had become incensed by Facebook’s lack of easy privacy controls. It was purposely sending bad data in protest.

When scientists checked the spacecraft’s memory circuits, they further determined V2 was about to quit Facebook. They quickly reprogrammed the plucky little probe and now it’s back to sending a steady stream of Facebook status updates and posting wall pictures of the heliosphere, the magnetic envelope around the solar system.

Kubrick’s Napoleon project picked up by Del Toro

Film director Guillermo Del Toro, who recently stepped down from helming an adaptation of Tolkien’s The Hobbit has reportedly obtained the pre-production materials and script for Stanley Kubrick’s famously unfilmed Napoleon project. Though he spent many years writing and rewriting various scripts for the picture, Kubrick was never satisfied with the screenplay and never went into production with his Napoleon biopic.

Del Toro is said to be dropping the Napoleonic history angle and will re-imagine Napoleon and Josephine as a conjoined zombie twins, one a vampire and one a werewolf, who are caught in a labyrinth with a half-man, half-bull, half-zombie monster that inhabits nightmares and uses a chainsaw to kill every friday the 13 people who wake up that morning wearing hockey goalie masks and haven’t been able to cut their own hands off to free themselves from a marauding human centipede zombie werewolf that thinks it is a vampire but is actually a pubescent wizard with family issues and a nasty facial scar.

Studio insiders called the take “very new and fresh,” with Del Toro “really breaking new ground for the zombie, werewolf, vampire, nightmare-inhabiting mass-murder human centipede wizard genre.” One remarked anonymously that “it seems like lots of historians are kinda coming around to this view of Napoleon anyway.”

Writer emulates J.K. Rowling success – scribes now renting babies

British writer Marina Fiorato has just signed two deals worth more than $360,000 after years of getting her work rejected. Fiorato’s story parallels the rise of famed Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling — before her big deal Fiorata was penniless and often wrote her books in cafes with a baby on her lap.

Now aspiring writers all over the world are convinced the key to success lies in writing with a baby on one’s lap. Many are renting babies during their writing sessions. “It was challenging, at first,” Armin Rothschild said, a  thriller writer based in Stoke-on-Trent, England. “The babies kept squirming and almost fell off onto the floor. But then I got the hang of keeping them in place with my elbows. I really think my writing has gotten better — you know, with a baby on board.”

Infant rental agencies have sprung up overnight. Many working mothers enjoy getting paid by eager writers instead of having to pay for day care. Most writers make sure to have friends photograph or video them with the babies. “Doesn’t hurt to have a photographic record,” Gilanta Sankaty said. Sankaty lives and writes in Oberamergau in Germany. “Some writers are claiming they wrote their books with babies, but they just used a dummy. I want agents and editors to know that I had a real baby in place for every word.” Sankaty said the babies threw up on her more than 55 times. “It was 100% for real,” Sankaty insisted.

Secret government mistakenly releases photo of world dictator

In an apparent miscue, the monolithic one-world government  council that meets in an abandoned butler’s pantry deep under Grand Central Terminal in New York City erroneously released a photo today of the man who actually runs the world. He can be seen in front of computer terminals monitoring world developments and issuing orders via a beige telephone.

A spokesman for the monolithic one-world government council, who preferred to remain anonymous, said. “I can’t even verify my own existence. I certainly can’t vouch for the idea that one guy is running everything from a sunny office in Secaucus.”

The spokesman added that the man’s name was Barry and he never slept or changed his socks. However, he then immediately denied those statements and disappeared behind a polished brass door marked “standpipe.”

X51A Waverider hits Mach 6 – passengers complain

The U.S. Air Force’s X51A Waverider broke a hypersonic flight record yesterday, traveling six times the speed of sound. The Air Force claims that the Waverider’s engine burn was the longest yet for a hypersonic craft.

Passengers on board were happy about the early arrival, but many grumbled after the flight was over. “The coffee was lukewarm, my seat was tiny and we were going so fast there was no sound to the movie,” Sean Helmholtz tweeted from the hospital following the flight.

An Air Force spokesperson replied that the flight was historic and showed the superiority of U.S. technology. She refused, however, to comment on reports of soggy pretzels, hard pillows or that passengers blacked out for most of the flight due to massive G forces. “Some people just like to complain,” she said. “You try serving hot coffee when the air pressure in the cabin drops so fast it starts snowing.”

Survey names world’s five most livable cities

Today The International Center for Quality Living in Dorking, England, released its annual survey of the five world cities with the best quality of life. According to the ICQL experts they ranked 1 to 5:

1)  Trondheim, Norway. The survey cited Trondheim for its physically active population, inexpensive housing and likeliest chance of frostbite. The Norwegian city also scored high for the large number of bamboo ski pole repair shops and boutique fish canning plants.

2) Pinsk, Belarus. This city scored a perfect 357.3 points in the ICQL’s “Cities that Most Often Get Mistaken for Minsk But Keep Their Chin Up” category. This perfect score was lucky as Pinsk scored no points in any other category other than potato -based breakfast foods.

3) No city qualified for position three.

4) Comodoro Rivadavia, Argentina. With the highest literacy rate, the most people engaged in adult learning and the highest percentage of hoof and mouth disease, this Argentine city was a clear winner. Heavy bolo tie use did not hurt this city in the voting.

5) Odessa, Texas, USA. The first U.S. city to make the list in seven years, Odessa was cited for highest percentage of citizens owning firearms and prettiest Black Sea port not actually located on the Black Sea. In their comments the judges also mentioned the fine cavier and sweet meats.