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Atom smasher threatens Swiss identity

March 31, 2010

Before the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the powerful atom smasher at CERN, Europe’s high energy physics lab along the French/Swiss border near Geneva, opened for business, some people worried that at full power it might produce a mini black hole that, among other rude and inconvenient things, could swallow the earth. Now that the LHC is operating, a far more ominous side effect is emerging. The LHC is threatening the essence of Switzerland itself.

Massive magnetic forces are produced by the LHC in order to contain the high energy particles used in smashing atoms into their constituent particles. Swiss dairy officials have concluded, however, that the LHC magnetic fields are decimating Swiss cheese output. Cows are producing cheese without any bubbles. No bubbles means no holes when the cheese is sliced. No holy Swiss cheese and Switzerland itself is called into question. “When you have cheese mit no holes, zat is not gut,” Fisnik Johannes Jurgen, director of the Swiss National Institute for Whey-Based Semi-Perforated Dairy Solids at Schwarzloch said. “Zis lack of holes means you basically got a chunk of Jarlsberg. You know, we Swiss are as proud of our fellow Europeans as anyone, but we don’t vant people to think we are Norwegians or somezing.”

“If we don’t get our cheese back, Switzerland as we know it might cease to exist,” Johannes Jurgen said. “The Dutch are just as good as us at making chocolate. The Germans make the wurst, the British have bad teeth and the Russians have the Kalashnikov. All we vould have is Swiss Army Knives und zose are all made in China now.”


From → jests

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