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Scientific discovery explains weight gain

April 8, 2010

North of Moscow, on the upper reaches of the Volga, a gaggle (what is the right term for a group of scientists? a beaker? a Büchner funnel? an erlenmeyer flask?)  of American and Russian scientists recently made a discovery that basically absolves you from any responsibility for your weight — forget donuts, wasn’t ice cream, you can rule out Milky Way bars, parole the cake. (By the way, the accompanying illustration has no bearing whatsoever to this post.)

The scientists found the heaviest element yet discovered. It has the atomic number 117 and is called ununseptium (its called that because that’s a type of a scientific placeholder until the new element is given a formal name, not because these scientists are tools who think The Big Bang Theory is a funny TV show).

So ununseptium, the newest heavy element is clearly the reason why those shorts you bought last year on vacation don’t fit, or why you are regularly charged for two seats when you fly or why the doorways of your home have become so narrow that you can’t leave the building without a road construction crew widening them with a front loader.

Out damn ununseptium! Begone from our world and let us all enjoy twinkie-stuffed eclairs bathed in fudge sauce and wrapped with marzipan and phylo dough cupcake batter cream caramel rock candy frosting with schlag.

[Does this post make me look fat?]

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From → jests

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