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Ukraine To Give Up Highly Enriched Uranium

April 14, 2010

On Monday the White House announced that the nation of Ukraine, a former Soviet Republic, has agreed to rid itself of all the highly enriched uranium it inherited when the Soviet Union dissolved in 1991. The uranium is sufficiently enriched to make nuclear weapons. President Obama was able to cite this development as proof that his policy of steady progress against nuclear proliferation had yielded results.

One possible downside for White House anti-proliferation efforts came with reports that the enriched uranium may have been purchased by a private buyer. Unconfirmed reports indicate the highly enriched uranium was obtained by golfer Tiger Woods. Some observers have suggested that Woods needs “a special something” to get his game back on track. They further speculate that using nuclear weapons against his PGA Tour competitors may give him some breathing room to get back on top.

Officials at the International Atomic Energy Commission say that if the reports are true, Woods could have tactical nuclear weapons ready for use as early as July at the British Open. Defense experts say the wide open nature of the Old Course at St. Andrews (see photo above) would make such an attack particularly effective. “In addition to the immediate blast wave, the lack of tree cover would maximize the radiation effect,” said Donald U. Tractorhoist, deputy director of the London-based defense think tank, The International Center for Strategic Affairs and Loud, Frightening Explosions. Tractorhoist further added that, “A nuclear attack could easily add several strokes to a golfer’s score. It could definitely affect putting which might be difficult given sudden, blinding bursts of light, and with thermal and blast waves sweeping through. Of course, these are professional golfers who must learn to play under adverse conditions during their careers.”

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From → jests

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