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BP willing to try anything

May 11, 2010

According to news reports, BP is casting about looking for a solution to the Gulf oil spill. When asked to comment by the AP, Ed Overton, a LSU professor of environmental studies said he thought BP was, “trying anything people can think of.”

This appears to be correct as Jim “Jimbo” James, BP Vice President of Extremely Serious — Indeed Practically Hopeless Situations, recently announced, the company will attempt the following fixes:

1) Mrs. Entwhistle’s third grade class at the Nathan B. Forrest Elementary School in Apalachicola, Fla., has spent many hours of class time chewing 3,127 pieces of gum. The soggy gum — primarily Juicyfruit combined with trace pieces of Cinniburst, Doublebubble, and Teaberry — has been airlifted to the site and will be used to try and seal off the well.

2) BP has purchased the Fix-a-Faucet corporation and will use that firm’s know-how to cast the world’s largest faucet fixture — a scaled up version of Fix-a-Faucet’s popular “Papillon” tub model. After the fixture is installed on the well, “it should be a simple matter  of just turning the handle to the off position,” said James.

3) If these efforts don’t work, the city of Midland, Texas, has volunteered to be towed out into the Gulf, positioned over the well site and sunk in place. It is believed that the considerable load of Midland will be sufficient to prevent further spillage.”Midland understands how important this is and we couldn’t be happier with its offer of assistance,” said James.

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