Skip to content

Robin Hood star leads air passengers in revolt

Refusing to go through security at JFK airport in New York City, film actor Russell Crowe — currently starring in the movie Robin Hood —  gathered a band of airline passengers around him and seized control of JFK’s concourse F,  color-coded green. Crowe and the group, calling themselves the Merry Frequent Fliers, rebooked first class, roasted venison, drank toasts to King Richard the Lionhearted while denouncing per bag luggage fees and generally carried on.

Crowe said he would continue to steal from the rich airlines and give to the poor, downtrodden airline passengers until the FAA made the airlines stop over-booking flights, forced them to serve full meals like goat’s head soup with mead and allowed Crowe to operate the jetway and have archery contests while airborne.

NASA says Mars lander dead, BP offers repair team

NASA said its Phoenix Mars lander, which landed on the red planet on May 25, 2008, has worked flawlessly gathering data on the atmosphere and soil of Mars. But now, after a long Martian winter, the Phoenix lander will not respond to commands from earth. As a result, NASA has written off the lander as dead and its mission finished.

The oil company BP, however, believes it’s topflight technologists can revive the lander. The company has offered a crack team to NASA for use in getting the lander working again. “We’d be happy to loan NASA one of our deep ocean drilling teams. They can solve just about any technical problem,” said a BP spokesman. “They don’t have much going on right now.”

Jupiter cloud band disappears, Goldman Sachs backpedals

Recent photographs of Jupiter have revealed that the gas giant’s South Equatorial Belt (SEB), a distinctive ring of clouds in Jupiter’s southern hemisphere, has disappeared. Astronomers and planetary scientists are not sure what could have caused the cloud belt to dissipate.

With the disappearance of the clouds, financial giant Goldman Sachs may need to do some backpedaling. The Wall Street banking and investment firm recently rolled out a corporate image campaign based on Jupiter’s unchanging appearance.

The campaign’s tag line reads: “Like Jupiter’s unchanging clouds, Goldman Sachs is big on dependability.”

An anonymous source from Goldman Sachs’ public relations firm — Methane, Fata, Morgana — concedes the campaign may need “tweaking.” He stressed, however, that the company is rock solid. “It’s not like Goldman Sachs is just going to dissolve in insolvency and disappear. I mean c’mon, that sort of thing just doesn’t happen”

Apple winning Flash battle, Jersey Shore is next

As Apple’s contest with Adobe over the use of Adobe’s Flash product rages on, Apple seems to be gaining the upper hand. Many web developers are starting to use HTML 5 and tools provided by Apple in lieu of Flash.

For Steve Jobs, victory over Flash is apparently just the beginning. His future plans reportedly include canceling MTV’s  Jersey Shore program, dissuading Brett Favre from returning to the NFL and outlawing the cheeseburger.

When she heard about Jobs plans, Jersey Shore cast member “Snooki” was not concerned. “Apple was unsuccessful in leveraging its advantage in the graphical user interface to stop Microsoft’s Windows GUI, it failed with the Newton hand held and even the iPods have experienced technical problems, so I imagine our show is on relatively solid ground,” Snooki said. “However, Jobs did kick the recording industry’s ass, so we’ll be sure to keep an eye on it.”

Manmade DNA worries that life is meaningless

Scientists goofing around in the lab after work have produced a living cell that uses manmade DNA. Genome-mapping pioneer J. Craig Ventner, who was leading the research effort while wearing a silly hat, said, “This is the first self-replicating species we’ve had on the planet whose parent is a computer.”

What particularly surprised the research team was the emotional response of the cell. It reportedly experienced anxiety about not being on Twitter, wondered if manmade DNA experienced an afterlife, and complained that even with current favorable interest rates, home ownership may be permanently out of reach for synthesized polypeptide proteins.

In an effort to ease the cell’s existential issues, Ventnor and his team enrolled the cell in a course of psychoanalysis, began daily tantric yoga and set it up for a Netflix que.

Only “modest” oil damage predicts BP spokesperson Lady Gaga

The oil company BP today stressed that oil damage in the Gulf would be “very modest.” BP’s message was delivered by spokesperson Lady Gaga. “BP is known for its safe, careful approach to oil exploration and production,” Lady Gaga explained as she bent over a scale model of an oil rig and was sprayed with brown chocolate and Bavarian creme.

BP says tube is sucking up oil and Facebook privacy data

BP says that up to 20 percent of the oil leaking from the well in the Gulf of Mexico is now being contained by a recently installed tube. BP officials claimed the tube was also unexpectedly containing privacy leaks from the Facebook social networking site. Many Facebook users have recently become upset with Facebook management with the leaking of private data. Now it turns out the leaked private information is being sucked up by the tube, mixed with oil and burned harmlessly at sea.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg credits the oil spill with having fixed the knotty privacy problem that had dogged Facebook recently. “We’re not happy with the prospect of this well getting capped,” Zuckergerg said. “If necessary, we’re ready to buy the well from BP and install more tubes.” Zuckerberg declined to comment when asked if the tubes would also suck up lame status updates and annoying comments.